The Onion

The Onion NEWSWIRE: Ability To Drum 'Wipeout' On Tabletop Passed Down To Son

The Onion

The Onion Magazine:

Inside The Mind Of A Perfectly Sane Person | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Source: www.theonion.com
The Onion, America's Finest News Source, is an award-winning publication covering world, national, and * local issues. It is updated daily online and distributed weekly in select American cities.
The Onion

The Onion

Just Area Man's Luck | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Source: www.theonion.com
KENOSHA, WI—Amid questions as to why this kind of shit always happens to him, area resident Patrick Kennedy told reporters Monday it was...
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The Onion

Entire Office Unsure What To Do About Bawling Coworker | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Source: www.theonion.com
FINDLAY,OH—The entire office staff of Altman & Hanson Accounting remained utterly baffled as to what, if anything, should be done in response to the prominent sobbing coming from the cubicle of 36-year-old clerk Jack Underwood, sources reported today.
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The Onion Advice:

Ask The Online Reviews Of A New Tex-Mex Restaurant | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Source: www.theonion.com
Dear The Online Reviews Of A New Tex-Mex Restaurant, For the past six weeks, my husband and I have been remodeling our master...
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The Onion

Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus | The Onion - America's Finest News S
Source: www.theonion.com
Ford says the '93 Taurus is the only car to drive in 2010, and they think Americans will have no other choice but to agree.
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The Onion

New York Marathon Winner Tests Positive For Performance-Enhancing Horse | The Onion - America's Fine
Source: www.theonion.com
NEW YORK—Officials from New York Road Runners stripped American Meb Keflezighi of his 2009 ING New York City Marathon victory Wednesday after a blood sample taken from his fetlock was found to contain high levels of performance-enhancing horse.
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The Onion BREAKING: Steinbrenner’s Heart Monitor Flatlines As Yankees Make Final Out Of World Series

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The Onion NEWSWIRE: Sir, Time Warner Cable Operator Realizes You’re Upset

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The Onion Radio News:

Coroner To Work From Home Today | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Source: www.theonion.com
files/radionews/07-136_coroner_works_from_home_W.mp3
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The Onion HOROSCOPE (Taurus):Remember: It's always a good idea to wait at least 30 minutes before going ahead and defecating in the pool.

The Onion

The Onion

Congress Approves $500 Billion For Monument To Human Folly | The Onion - America's Finest News Sourc
Source: www.theonion.com
WASHINGTON—Our goal is to create a structure that, like the human race itself, is doomed from the outset and plagued by innate flaws that can never be corrected, said Sen. George Voinovich.
The Onion

The Onion NEWSWIRE: 3-D Movie One-Dimensional

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The Onion

Pigeon Trying To Act Nonchalant About Fresh Vomit On Sidewalk | The Onion - America's Finest News So
Source: www.theonion.com
The Onion, America's Finest News Source, is an award-winning publication covering world, national, and * local issues. It is updated daily online and distributed weekly in select American cities.
The Onion

The Onion Opinion:

If I'm So Crazy, Then Why Do People Keep Having Sex With Me? | The Onion - America's Finest News Sou
Source: www.theonion.com
You know, I'm getting really sick of this. I am a perfectly normal, fully functioning adult, and yet it seems like every other day someone tells...